Nekomonogatari White: Hanekawa and me

Monogatari is one of those series that I have a difficult time writing about. It might be because it’s a series that I love for a lot of different reasons. As someone striving to learn Japanese, the word play that drives a lot of people crazy is one of the reasons I enjoy it. And whilst some other ACG fans find the show pretentious and full of completely unrealistic teenagers, the philosophical questions that Nisioisin touches upon never fail to give me pause. Furthermore, unlike certain other series, these questions are addressed relatively quickly, allowing the show to move on even if the issues of the concerned party aren’t fully resolved at that point.

Hanekawa Tsubasa is one such character, and both Bakemonogatari and Nekomonogatari Black touched upon her issues without resolving them. As this arc of her story pointed out, they had merely been shelved, put aside to be dealt with at a later date. But those non-resolutions only added to the impact that Nekomonogatari White had on me…mainly because, out of all the characters in this series, Hanekawa is the one that I identify with most.

“Hanekawa-san, do you know about salad dressing?”

I should probably provide a bit of clarification. It’s not that I’m exactly like Hanekawa. I like my food to taste like something, even if I typically use less sauce and salt than others might. And I don’t try to be please everyone — if I clash with someone and do not think our differences will allow for a cordial, cooperative relationship, I will simply choose to reduce my interaction with that person. Admittedly, this might be because I’m not a teenager trying to figure out her place in the world anymore. I’m long past that stage in my life.

However, when it comes to some broader, more important, aspects of life, I see a lot of myself in Hanekawa. As someone who did very well at school and a number of extracurricular activities, I understand the pressure of having to live up to expectations. People—parents and teachers, friends and acquaintances—expect you to achieve certain results, and to pursue something that society deems is worth pursuing. Not knowing what you want to do with your life is unheard of; and taking a year off is out of the question. Looking back now, I genuinely wish I had taken a year off to figure myself out—I have a suspicion that I’d be in a very different place now if I had.

And there is one other point of similarity that I shall not go into detail about here.

Admittedly, this situation for Hanekawa ultimately stems from the disfunction in her family: I’m not sure I can imagine how insecure and unloved she must have felt, being abandoned first by her biological father and then even my her biological mother. Becoming the perfect student—top of the class, a student leader, understanding and helpful towards everyone—may have been her response to those feelings of insecurity, a way of avoiding further rejection. She reminds me a little of a character from a manga I once read.

Due to this psychological connection that I have with Hanekawa, I’m glad that she has found herself…though it also leaves me a little melancholic. I’m happy because she provides hope and inspiration for someone like me; at the same time, I’m a little envious that she has come so far. But at times like this, I remind myself of another lesson that the Monogatari series has often touched upon: “people can only help themselves.” Only I can figure out what I want out of life, and what I need to do to get there.

“I’m home.”